Friday, December 06, 2013

Bad Santa - L. A. Kelley

Bad Santa
L. A. Kelley
http://lakelleythenaughtylist.blogspot.com

In The Naughty List Santa (or the Santa, as I call him) is far removed from Thomas Nast’s depiction of a right jolly old elf with a jelly belly. Before you put me on your own naughty list for desecrating a well-loved legend be advised the yuletide wasn’t always so ho-ho-ho. Throughout the years Santa and Saint Nick have had more than a few naughty sidekicks. Wikipedia provides lots of examples.

Germanic legend relates bratty kids didn’t just get a lump of coal in their stocking. (Which would have been a practical gift in pre-central heating days.) Instead, they were visited by a demonic figure with a sadistic smile and snake-like tongue known as Grampus. He chased down the little miscreants, stuffed them into a basket on his back, and then hauled them off to the amusement of the holiday shoppers. Since the name Grampus is derived from the Old High German word for ‘claw’, let’s just say those kids didn’t end up at the North Pole singing carols while they decorated gingerbread.

Black Peter was the Scandinavian companion to Saint Nicholas, who you’d think as a holy man would have had more discriminating tastes. Black Peter was jolly old Saint Nick’s own personal enslaved devil who dealt with the messy job of eliminating mischievous children—rather like the mob enforcer to the yuletide don. Black Peter uses a sack instead of a basket, but the results are the same as with Grampus. The children disappear and Saint Nick retains plausible deniability. Children? What children? I didn’t see nothing.

Servant Rupert was raised as a foundling by Saint Nick who apparently didn’t cotton to being an adoptive parent. Instead, Rupert became Nick’s lackey manservant. His assignment was to show up at a child’s door and demand a song and dance. If Rupert liked the performance, a small gift would be bestowed (most likely, grudgingly.) If not, he’d beat the poor talentless little bastard with a stick. For good measure, Rupert would then plunk him into the ubiquitous sack to be hauled off to oblivion. The same technique should be adopted on modern day talent shows.

So, remember, boys and girls, Santa and his demonic minions are always watching. They’re ready to drag you to hell in a heartbeat if you don’t measure up their impossibly high standards this holiday season. Sleep tight, my little sugar plums. Stay on the Nice List. The sack awaits those who don’t. a Rafflecopter giveaway

6 comments:

Carol Henry said...

Love, love your post. Made my headachy morning much brighter and manageable :)

Charlotte Copper said...

Oh my! I think I like the idea of jolly old saint Nick, much better!! Then again, maybe a bad Santa would encourage more homework to get done....

LA Kelley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LA Kelley said...

Don't let the little demons get you down.

Lilly Gayle said...

Along the Alps in Southern Germany and Austria, Dec. 6th is known as Krampus Day (Krampus apparently is another name for Grampus) He's Santa's demonic sidekick who punishes naughty children. But on the 6th, he is celebrated. There's a Krampus run and much revelry and drinking and Krampus runs about ringing bells and swatting pretty young ladies with a birch switch. My daughter and her husband live in Germany and went skiing one year on the 6th. She had never heard of Krampus until she witnessed the Krampus run and was personally swatted on the rump by a young man in a Krampus costume. They truly are scary looking creatures. I loved learning about another country's tradition when she told me about it, and I loved this post. Such fun!

Debra St. John said...

I think naughty side-kicks for Santa are fantastic! (But I'll still think about Santa himself as a right jolly old elf.)